And, in perhaps letting honest concern about the environment run away with him, the officer equates the earth with God’s body (“another part of God’s body experiences yet another sort of crucifixion”). And of course, if he remembered the Feast of the Annunciation when the Eternal Son of God did take on a mortal body to redeem the whole creation, he would have been more careful in his language. Our High School Confirmation Class just finished a couple of sessions on the Nicene Creed. Perhaps a letter from some of them might be helpful in clarifying the relationship between Creator and Creation and the nature of the Incarnation of the Word

I thought this could be laid at the feet of a confused writer at the Episcopal News Service. And then, much to my dismay, another of my curates brought me the service leaflet from a nearby Episcopal congregation. Apparently, the vicar there read one too many pieces from 815, and decided to make some “improvements” to the Good Friday liturgy. Why clergy think they should be allowed to modify the prayer book is beyond me. Unless, of course, they are restoring beautiful, ancient Catholic traditions.

How did I get this service leaflet? No, it was not my intelligence-gathering curate (every Cardinal Parish needs one). Rather, there was a deanery meeting in our Guild Hall, and the nearby vicar used our copier, since theirs was on the fritz. (Funny, how the “creative” parishes never seem to be able to afford a service contract.) Anyway, the vicar left the original in the machine, and my curate dutifully brought me the leaflet. Just as soon as the parish administrator finishes typing it for me, I will post it here.

Now, back to inspecting the stational locations in our Palm Sunday Procession, at which our Junior High Group has built platforms for the altar party to be seen and heard above the massive throngs…

Yours in the Lord,

Now I have nothing against women priests or special clergy attire for women. As long as it involves black shirts, amices, and orphreys in the traditional patterns. The departure from fashion norms in place since the time of Christ is not my only objection here. You see, clergy are not supposed to worry about things like couture, or at least we’re not supposed to admit it. “Oh, this thing? It’s just a priceless 14th century cope made by 17 monks over 40 years of dawn-to-dusk labor.” That’s completely different from “I am wearing the latest fashions from ‘Clergy Couture’ as you can plainly see.”

Even more than that,  I prefer to view my science fiction costumes at the movie theatre,  not in the sanctuary. If I wanted that sort of thing in my parish, we’d use Prayer C. Or maybe we’d sing that dreadful hymn about stars and hammers.

Dear readers, if you see any clergy sporting these costumes, encourage them to call George Lucas about a role in his next sci-fi epic or to contact NASA about taking their show on the road. On the road to Mars, that is. And remember, our Lord spoke Aramaic not Klingon.

Yours in the Lord,

This point was driven home for me recently when I learned that a colleague, who shall remain nameless, inadvertently yet inappropriately responded to a pastoral situation with the wrong texting language. You could argue that pastoral care should never be conducted by any means other than face-to-face contact. But anyway, here was the situation:

Said cleric, upon hearing via electronic mail that a parishioner had just been diagnosed with cancer and was distraught, wrote back to her “LOL.” Clearly not his finest pastoral moment — although perhaps he learned his pastoral theology at a lesser low-church seminary that also shall not be named. He mistakenly thought LOL meant “lots of love” rather than “laugh out loud.”

In this vein I offer you, my dear children,  an updated guide to the 10 most common texting terms. Use them with abandon in all church communications.

LOL – Lo! Osculate Lavishly (alternate meaning: Lovin’ Oscar Late)

TTYL – Ten Thuribles Yield Liturgy

CUL8R – Eight Red Chasubles

ROFL – Rubrics of Father Late

OMG –Omit Maniple Grudgingly

CYA – Catholic Yet Anglican

WTF — Wafers Taste Fine

BFF – Buy Fine Frankincense

GTG –  Genuflect, thou! Grandly!

LMAO — Lengthy Mass? Anglicans OK.

To me the only viable Christian “tattoo” is the result of a thurible accident that has left a portion of your skin branded — preferably with the face of the Blessed Virgin Mary. While this would never happen at my fine church — the thurifers undergo intensive training that includes a two-year retreat in the massive, yet somehow not-drafty undercroft — I understand that some clergy and lay liturgical participants are not as well equipped for the rigors of offering holy smoke unto the Lord.

Nonetheless, I feel compelled to point out the worst of the offenders. If you recognize yourself, please unfriend me on Facebook until the liturgical laser has made you whole and unblemished.

This one looks like the disembodied hands of a football receiver about to catch a cross. And the statement “only God can judge me” is not true — I can judge this a lousy tattoo and the waste of a perfectly good back.

See if you can fly. Please. I’ll lead you up to the top of my lofty and imposing bell tower.

What can I say about this one except that it’s no wonder Jesus can’t bear to watch.

You’d close your eyes too if you were depicted like this — and with a pigeon about to poop on your head to boot. Although the back (or whatever this is) acne is a nice touch.

Please know that I’m posting this for your own good. There will be great joy in heaven if I can prevent even one of you from getting such a tattoo.

Yours in the Lord,

And it was particularly rich considering this so-called “Cafe” has yet to deliver the double espresso I ordered. If this is the state of table service and outdoor seating in the Episcopal Church, it’s no wonder membership is declining. You may as well put out an umbrella emblazoned with “Cinzano” and go to Rome. Or head to a Beer Garden in Bavaria.

It’s a good thing this “Cafe” is not catering the Coffee Hour at my Cardinal Parish where I serve as the Cardinal Rector. Members of our St. Drogo Guild, who roast and then freshly grind beans from all over the world to serve to parishioners following Sunday morning liturgies, would not be pleased with such sloppy service.

I will pray for the soul of this Episcopal “Cafe” with special intention for their baristas and pastry chefs. May the service improve and may they repent of their quotable sin with pure and contrite hearts.

Yours in the Lord,

But this did get me thinking that one of the great joys of aging will be torturing CPE students. If you are currently in or considering a hospital stay in the near future, here are a few ways to handle student chaplains:

1. Ask them to explain the filioque clause of the Nicene Creed and don’t let them leave until they define precisely where they stand on the issue and how it will affect you in the afterlife.
2. Ditto homoousios vs. homoiousios.
3. Make up a proverb (any fortune cookie will do), tell them it was your dead mother’s favorite verse of Scripture, and ask that they find the chapter and verse and tape a copy below the power button on the TV.
4. In the middle of the night, phone the chaplain’s office and ask for an on-call student chaplain to come immediately and solve a burning spiritual crisis. Then ask the barely awake young man or woman to change your bed pan.
5. Demand to know why God hates you.
6. Demand to know why God hates the person in the bed next to you.
7. After they pray with you, critique the prayer with Olympic-style ratings. “I’d give the opening a 5.2, the middle of the prayer a solid 4, and the closing doxology a 2.2. You forgot the Holy Spirit; better luck next time – see you in an hour.”
8. Tell them you’re considering converting to Buddhism and ask that they talk you out of it.
9. Insist they smuggle in some incense the next time they visit you. Question the validity of prayers spoken without it.
10. Kindly tell them that you firmly believe that they are truly called – not to ordained ministry but to being an orderly. Then have them explain to you why the volume on the TV goes up every time you try to adjust the bed.

Best wishes for the next time you find yourself in such a setting. Perhaps I’ll send one of my curates in to give you some real pastoral care. You’ll know them because I insist they fully vest for such occasions. I also bid them, on occasion, to walk through the hospital with one of our several monstrances offering Benediction to entire wings of patients and staff.

Yours in the Lord,

The GOE is a rite of passage for everyone who seeks ordination as a priest in the Episcopal Church. Whenever I go to diocesan clergy events, my colleagues express their dismay at the test. They seem to consider it too hard or even irrelevant. Being a Cardinal Rector, my opinion differs from theirs. I think the GOE is a good idea. However, I do think the questions could be refined a bit. Here are some ideas to get the General Board of Examining Chaplains going.

The Holy Scriptures. Cite several instances of the Biblical use of chanting, incense, and ornate vestments. Explain why elaborate liturgy is the most Biblical liturgy. Resources: The Holy Bible and works of Percy Dearmer.

Church History, including the Ecumenical Movement. Explain how the first Book of Common Prayer (1549) continued the development of the Sarum Use, generally considered the apex of Western Liturgy. Give several reasons why our ecumenical partners might benefit from our superior liturgical tradition. For bonus points, you may take swipes at the prayer book of 1552. Resources: Open.

Christian Theology, including Missionary Theology and Missiology. Using the Celtic idea of “thin places” between earth and heaven, explain why mediocre liturgy is less effective than outstanding liturgy at bringing people into Christ’s saving embrace. Resources: Service leaflets from nearby parishes.

Christian Ethics and Moral Theology. Some people complain that $10,000 copes are not an appropriate use of funds. Defend the ethics of fine vestments, using especially Mark 14:7. Resources: The Holy Bible and fine vestment catalogs.

Studies in Contemporary Society, including Racial and Minority Groups. The Anglo-Catholic movement was propelled by its incarnational theology to serve the poor. Give three reasons why Catholic liturgy is effective at encouraging worshipers to serve others. Resources: Open.

Liturgics and Church Music. You have just been called as an honourary assistant curate at Fr. Oscar Late’s parish. Congratulations! Design your installation service, using the considerable resources of Fr. Late’s parish. The liturgy should last between two and three hours. Specify anthems, hymns, lessons, the order of procession, and the number of brass players. Resources: Book of Common Prayer, Hymnal 1982, musical works of Ralph Vaughan Williams and William Walton. (Please include your contact information and cope size.)

Theory and Practice of Ministry. One important part of the practice of ministry is the acquisition of fine incense and lavish silk. Please detail your plans for traveling to points far and wide to acquire these materials. Resources: Expedia.com.

By the way, if you think the General Ordination Exam is difficult, you should not attempt my parish’s General Acolyte Exam. You have been warned.

Well, after sleeping in today — we had a full house last night at our Midnight Mass, complete with a dropping botafumeiro at midnight — I had some time to do a bit of blogging. By popular demand, I am returning to blogging with another Bad Window of the Day. This one is bad not because of low quality or poor craftsmanship. After all, this gem is found in the Cloisters in New York (a city which could use a decent church or two).

I am considering this one bad because it is a bit too…graphic. On the Feast of the Circumcision, mostly we want to be thinking about lovely motets and fine processions. Who wants to consider actual pain? Also, let’s face it, the bald guy seems to be enjoying all of this a bit much.

Now for those of you who might protest, let me make a suggestion. You know how we all hold baptisms on the Feast of the Baptism of Our Lord? Well, how about some public circumcisions next year on January 1. No? Then I guess you’ll agree with me about this Bad Window of the Day.

Now, excuse me, please. I have to decide which cope to wear for tomorrow afternoon’s service of Lessons, Carols, and Homilies.

Father Late's Incense Car

Just because I, Father Late, do not need a car to commute – there are a number of hidden catacombs that connect my home oratory to the church sacristy – this does not mean that I am unconcerned with the environment. This is why I directed the chair of my Buildings & Grounds Committee to design a car that runs exclusively on high quality incense. The trunk of my retrofitted black hearse contains what is, in effect, the world’s largest thurible. You’ll recognize my vehicle by the white cross on the hood; the loud, yet well-tuned sanctus bells that serve as the horn; and the fragrant exhaust pipe. And I’ll recognize you since you’ll be crossing yourself whenever you get a whiff of the holy vehicle.

How does my Incense Car actually work? You don’t need an engineering degree to know that one of my junior curates sits in the back to keep the coals burning and the incense stoked as needed. He is, of course, appropriately vested in black cassock, a fully-gathered, made-in-England surplice, and tippet. Prior to the outing, he has selected the proper grains from my extensive incense cellar. Being driven to preside at a solemn requiem mass for a fellow presbyter requires a different blend than a trip to select material and fabric for a new coronation set.

Incense Car at Work

The best part of my Incense Car is that it serves multiple purposes:

1. It is highly functional, allowing me to travel to spiritual retreats throughout the local countryside.

2. It allows me to lead Rogation Day processions without the inconvenience of walking.

3. In permitting me to cense the local population while performing even the most mundane errand, it is the ultimate evangelism machine.

Yours in the Lord,

Research shows that if you don’t grab the listener in the first 15 seconds, you’ve lost him/her. Pray that the bulletin announcements are compelling reading.

I. “May I speak in the name of God, Giver, Forgiver and Lover. Amen.” – Hanover, New Hampshire.

Is that rhetorical? Oh, I see, it’s a statement. I think the politically correct term is “partner” – “lover” is passé. Does saying ‘Amen’ mean you’re finished? One could only hope.

II. “The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Pastor, that was a very good sermon.” The pastor says, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.” “It wasn’t THAT good!” she says… By Friday I had multiple false starts for the sermon this Sunday…and by the end of the day… I had written two complete sermons… I settled on the second one to preach…even though I thought it was a bit weak…yesterday morning…I woke up…chucked it and tried again…What I ended up with was a collection of various quotes and musings – let’s see.” – Anaconda, Montana.

This is the tired-joke-and-then-minimize-the-expectations approach. Any time you preach about preaching, you’re doomed. Nice use of the ellipsis, however.

III. “The reputation of Jesus was according to which one of these? The apostles, the Sanhedrin, Josephus, the Jewish historian, the Romans, or the Christians? The answer would be “all the above”.” – Janesville, Wisconsin.

Snore alert. I can watch Jeopardy on my own time. Though if the ushers distributed Number 2 pencils and an answer sheet with the bulletin, filling out the “all of the above” bubble would be a nice distraction.

IV. “The story of Mary and Martha is one of the most well known stories of the New Testament. It is often presented as a reminder to take time from the busyness of life to listen to the voice of God. Considered from the perspective of Jungian psychology, Mary, Martha, and Jesus the Lord symbolize energies within our psyche/soul.” — Denver, North Carolina

It’s a well known story? Really? Why are you telling me this? And why ruin it with psycho-babble? “Energies within our psyche/soul.” Bah!

V. “In today’s reading from the Gospel of Luke, Jesus tells a story about a farmer who produced a particularly abundant share of crops, and the farmer built a barn to store all of the excess, intending to use those extra crops at a later date. The farmer was storing up for the future, preparing for a time when the harvest might not be plentiful.” — Leesburg, Virginia.

Stop! We were there! There’s no need to reiterate every word of what we just heard. Do you think you’re preaching to a bunch of sheep? (don’t answer that). But I know that I automatically stop listening when a preacher begins with the words “In today’s reading…”

That all for today’s version of “Sermons that (Don’t) Work.” If you would like future commentary on the state of preaching in the Anglican Communion speak now or forever hold your peace.

Yours in the Lord,