The Real Oscar Awards

holy iPhoneI apologize for the lengthy hiatus on my blog. No doubt many of you, my children, have been grieving a lack of my wisdom. We Cardinal Rectors know that our audiences love sitting at our feet and soaking up the precious pearls of knowledge that we dispense. It seems that I had to let go one of our curates about two years ago. The young lad was trying to celebrate Mass whilst Tweeting, and he inadvertently consecrated his iPhone. Thus we fired him and buried his iPhone.

At long last, I replaced him with a new curate for blogging. I hope I can get back to this blog, since I know it is beloved to one and all. My new curate was just this morning telling me something about an “Oscar Party,” which, I feared would have meant some unwelcomed company at the Rectory this evening. It so happens that there is a cinema award called an Oscar, and people gather to watch people walk on a “red carpet,” even though Holy Week is weeks away. After hearing about this further, I have decided that I shall award my own real Oscar Awards. For this purpose only, I shall allow others to address me by my Christian name, rather than the customary Father Late.

Nominations will be accepted later this year, and people can come to my Cardinal Parish to receive awards. This is part of my duty to preserve the church, pure and undefiled, with proper Catholic liturgy using proper Elizabethan English. Here are the categories I shall offer.

copeBest Pre-Reformation Cope Worn in Procession

Best Post-Reformation Cope Worn in Procession

Best Eastward-facing Celebration of Mass

Best Re-Ordering of a Church to Get Rid of a Freestanding Altar

Best MC Direction Without Being Noticed

Best Preservation of Elizabethan English in a Parish Newsletter

Best Choral Anthem Sung Unaccompanied

Best Choral Anthem Sung Accompanied by Organ

Best Choral Anthem Sung Accompanied by Massive Orchestra

thuriferBest Thurifer

Best Rogation Procession Through the Countryside

Best Rogation Procession Shutting Down a Major City

Longest Great Vigil of Easter

Best Sermon Attacking Sloppy Liturgy

Best Plan to Destroy Lapel Mics

Best Bonfire of Cassock-Alb Destruction

Best Delegation of Pastoral Care to Curates

Best Attendance Numbers at Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament

Best Use of an Angelus Bell to Disrupt Nearby Conventicles

Best Avoidance of All Diocesan Meetings and Conventions


I intend to protect all that is good and decent in Proper Churches. The threat of poorly done liturgy, heresy / Rite II, and cheap vestments is all too real. If you have other suggestions for Oscar Award categories, I bid you to submit them in the comments section of this blog post.

Yours in the Lord,




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