Holy Smokes! It’s the Incense Car

Father Late's Incense Car

Just because I, Father Late, do not need a car to commute – there are a number of hidden catacombs that connect my home oratory to the church sacristy – this does not mean that I am unconcerned with the environment. This is why I directed the chair of my Buildings & Grounds Committee to design a car that runs exclusively on high quality incense. The trunk of my retrofitted black hearse contains what is, in effect, the world’s largest thurible. You’ll recognize my vehicle by the white cross on the hood; the loud, yet well-tuned sanctus bells that serve as the horn; and the fragrant exhaust pipe. And I’ll recognize you since you’ll be crossing yourself whenever you get a whiff of the holy vehicle.

How does my Incense Car actually work? You don’t need an engineering degree to know that one of my junior curates sits in the back to keep the coals burning and the incense stoked as needed. He is, of course, appropriately vested in black cassock, a fully-gathered, made-in-England surplice, and tippet. Prior to the outing, he has selected the proper grains from my extensive incense cellar. Being driven to preside at a solemn requiem mass for a fellow presbyter requires a different blend than a trip to select material and fabric for a new coronation set.

Incense Car at Work

The best part of my Incense Car is that it serves multiple purposes:

1. It is highly functional, allowing me to travel to spiritual retreats throughout the local countryside.

2. It allows me to lead Rogation Day processions without the inconvenience of walking.

3. In permitting me to cense the local population while performing even the most mundane errand, it is the ultimate evangelism machine.

Yours in the Lord,

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