Liturgical Acolyte Screener (LAS)

First Generation LAS

Tired of sloppily dressed acolytes? Annoyed by the wearing of untied red Converse Hightops? Does the latest Jay-Z ringtone interrupt the flow of liturgy? We’ve solved this problem by installing the Liturgical Acolyte Screener in the narthex. Manned by highly-trained LAS professionals who are personally trained by the parish verger, acolytes are required to walk through the LAS prior to processions.

The device picks up uncombed hair (offenders are directed to a grooming station before reentering the screening process); cottas in disarray; ringtones that fail to match the opening hymn; footwear that is any color other than black; bad attitudes (surly acolytes are sent to the attitude adjustment station staffed by members of the altar guild – if they don’t shape up they are required to remain with the altar guild for the duration of the liturgy; we no longer have acolytes with bad attitudes); and bad posture.

Trained professional monitors the LAS

With cutting edge technology, the LAS can distinguish between a thurible and an i-Phone. The thurible passes; the i-Phone is confiscated. It also picks up tie-dyed stoles and guitars. We keep confiscated items in a locked closet off the narthex. Phones are returned after the service while ugly or inappropriate vestments are burned. Needless to say cassock-albs are cast into the fiery furnace.

I hope you will consider having an LAS installed at your church. The weeping and gnashing of teeth is a small price to pay for liturgical correctness.

Coming soon is the Organ Zapper, or OZ, that immediately shuts down any organ that plays “It is I Lord” or anything composed after 1900 unless it is in the  Hymnal 1982 or 1940. It also ejects the offending organist into the outer darkness.

Yours in the Lord,

1 Comment

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Surely, you will agree that there are some musical compositions masquerading as hymns in the 1982 that should cause ejection of the offending organist and shut down the instrument in question forthwith. We all know that the Eleventh Commandment (revealed to Episcopalians / Anglicans) is that “Thou shat not be tacky.”


Comment by Jennie Palmer on August 3, 2010 5:27 pm


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